Driver Potter Meets Some Railway Journalists

Today, Driver Potter is meeting some railway journalists. Driver Potter would like to be a journalist one day. He thinks he has the right skills like being able to read, write, drink lots of beer and believing his opinion on things actually matters. Potter thinks he is ideal journalistic material. Potter meets his friend Mr Bigland in a pub. “Hello Snapper”, says Potter. “Y’alright, our kid?”, says Mr Bigland. Mr Bigland is from Liverpool. (See the missing hubcaps). Mr Bigland takes pictures for a living: mostly of trains, although he can’t control himself when he sees stocking tops. Potter enjoys taking pictures, and listens as Mr Bigland explains all about F-Stops and exposures and focal lengths and how to use your camera to get free breakfasts. Do you know how to look politely bewildered? Potter does. Mr Bigland tells Potter that he has sometimes had two pages of pictures published at once. Potter is very impressed.

Potter decides that knowing all about pictures isn’t good enough to make him into a journalist, so Potter goes to see Mr Haigh. Mr Haigh writes for RAIL magazine. RAIL magazine is a magazine for railway anoraks that don’t know they are anoraks. Mr Haigh once described Potter’s writing style as “unusual”, which is a polite way of saying “have you stopped taking the pills yet?” Potter laughed at this, but only because Mr Haigh has access to high explosives. When Mr Haigh invites people to his house on Guy Fawkes Night, everyone arrives in body armour and carrying sandbags. Do you know what “mutually assured destruction” is? Mr Haigh does. Mr Haigh shows Potter how to use computers to make up articles and how to move all the pictures and text into the right places. See Potter working at the keyboard. “Your typing is quite good,” says Mr Haigh. “I can see you could assemble an article quite quickly. But your research is always very important – always make sure your facts are right.” Potter thanks Mr Haigh for his help, but Potter still doesn’t think he is ready to be a journalist. Potter needs to know how things work. Potter goes to see Captain Deltic.

Captain Deltic is another railway journalist. Captain Deltic writes for a magazine called Modern Railways. Some people maintain that he has an alter-ego called Roger Ford, but no one really believes it. Captain Deltic likes writing about how things work and how much they cost and how much he’d like to have most of the Department of Transport lined up infront of a firing squad. Potter likes reading about technical railway facts. See Captain Deltic talking to Potter about trains and politics and how the railway really works. Captain Deltic likes English Electric engines. See the pieces of engine and books about locomotives on the shelves! Captain Deltic shows Potter a piece of an engine he used to help maintain. “That was on my table at a dinner”, he says. See Potter looking at the piece of engine and picking it up. “It’s very heavy”, says Potter. Captain Deltic explains all about engines and why English Electric, 3,300 horsepower, 99 tons and 100mph is best for everythingeverywherefullstopnoargumentsothere. (See Potter edging nervously towards the door.) Potter thanks Captain Deltic for his help and says goodbye. See Potter hop and skip home.

When Potter gets home, he see’s that his landlady’s cleaner is in the house. Potter’s landlady’s cleaner is called Marion. Marion is a very nice lady. Marion is using the vacuum cleaner. “Hello Potter”, says Marion, “what have you been up to today?” “I’ve had a lovely day,” says Potter. “I’ve been learning how to be a railway journalist. I met my friend Snapper. He told me all about how to get the best effect from a long exposure. He said there’s nothing better than seeing a double-page spread with your shots all over it. Mr Haigh said my technique wasn’t too bad and I could probably bash one out at the keyboard in no time, but I had to make sure I had everything straight before I showed anyone. Captain Deltic talked to me about engines and showed me his enormous piston. He told me he had left it on a table at a dinner for everyone to see and a picture of it had ended up on the internet.” Do you know how to use a hoover crevice tool to change the way a man walks? Marion does.

Run, Potter. Run.

Edit: Thanks to the power of Twitter, Captain Deltic would like it made plain that he didn’t not say “how much he’d like to have most of the Department of Transport lined up infront of a firing squad” as quoted in my blog. To quote the Tweet in full:

“Did I say most? Check your notebook Potter, a-l-l t-h-e b-*-s-t-*-r-d-s is not how you spell most.”

However, Captain Deltic could only provide one Google reference to prove that Roger Ford exists. 2-1 to me, then.

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