2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

NB:

What it doesn’t say is that Potter Minions, bred in vats concealed underneath the Controlled Emission Toilet facility at Wimbledon Park, take credit for assembling much of the wibble you read in the last year. Thanks for looking in during 2011: I promise to write more than 3 entries in 2012 and I further assure you that I will make fewer knob gags. Unless they are required to enhance the comic narrative or I’m feeling bored.

TTFN,

Potter

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 23,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Christmas Poem by Driver C. Page, Wimbledon Park

‘Twas the night before Christmas and across the South West,
All trains were in their depots and their crews home at rest.
But up on a roof in a small town called Ashstead,
Sat a Fat Man with a sleigh, its battery dead.
Moaned he “With the recession I’ve had to budget.
So back in February I told the reindeer to shove it.
What with the money that I saved on the hay,
I paid out to Siemens for an electric sleigh.
But when I take power, it arcs and cuts out.
I’d have expected better from something built by the Krauts!”.
At this point a drunk man appears with a totter;
Full of pre-Crimble sherry, it’s half cut H. Potter.

He slurs “I’ll help deliver your presents while it’s dark.
But hurry, we must get to Wimbledon Park!
I’ll assemble a crew of our finest men; we’ll work for 6 hours 30 and then
We’ll get something to eat and rest 40 minutes,
(To obey Mr Hiddens’ strict safety limits)”.
So they made their way over to SW19,
They picked out a train that was red, shiny and clean.

They opened the doors and loaded each gift
Then sprinkled some magic dust – the train started to lift
And soon a 455 soared high in the sky
On a mission to prevent each child asking why
(Despite behaving and being good for a year)
Santa had decided to confirm the child’s worst fear
That they wouldn’t receive bikes or dolls or FIFA Football
Instead their stockings weren’t filled at all.

But desperate to make sure this would not be the case,
Santa, Potter and crew cracked on and made haste.
They were done before sunrise & no one would know
About the faulty sleigh that would not run in the snow.
The worlds Christmas spirit was safe and alive,
And it was all down to a trusty old 455.
So the world sang carols about snow, holly, and ivy.
But never about how Santa swopped red for a High-V.

Yes, I agree with you lot – Chris should spend his break times eating sandwiches and not writing daft poems. One worries that he is, at regular intervals, allowed access to heavy machinery, sharp things and The Vote. Having said that, I thought it was rather good.

So all that remains for me to do, dear readers, is to wish both of you a very Merry Christmas and a Flourishing and Bountiful New Year.

Is Jeremy Clarkson A Cock Or What?

Yes. He is. But, since this isn’t exactly breaking news, lets move on.

The Beeb won’t fire him because he makes them a lot of money. UNISON should gently point out that but for the public service workers, some of whom work at Leeds Royal Infirmary and who were incidentally on strike yesterday, his chum Richard Hammond would be either be dead or suffering the  effects of brain damage.

If Mr Clarkson genuinely begrudges them the right to a pension, then clearly gratitude has a short shelf life.

As to his annoyance at trains not running over the remains of railway suicides, I’ll listen to his opinions after the following conditions: when he has witnessed a suicide, when he has helped to deal with shocked crew and passengers, when he has witnessed the family of the dead person being informed and finally when he has helped clean up the aftermath.

Until then Mr Clarkson, you’ve not the faintest idea what you’re talking about and are an oaf.

An oaf with an audience of millions, but still an oaf.

In the words of the Internet: Don’t Feed the Troll.

With Apologies to the Walt Disney Company

The following is respectfully dedicated to all those men and woman of the Footplate who are sliding about the network with, to quote a friend of mine, “your arse puckering in your pants, your toes digging into your boots and your stomach trying to climb up your neck to throttle your brains.” Despite anything the travelling public believes, this is no joke. Hopefully this post may raise a smile.

The Song of the South-(ern Region)

“Slippety-Doo-Dah Day? That’s the kind of day where you can’t put them ‘ole brakes on without that ‘ole speedo going straight to zero.”

Slippety-doo-dah, slippety-ay,

‘Cos of leaves we ain’t stoppin’ today

There’s a bloody great red light in my way

My arse has just healed up and my hair has gone grey.

There are SPAD-stains in my boxers.

It’s the truth, it’s actual

(Let’s hope that DAZ-ads are really factual)

Slippety-doo-dah, slippety-ay

Having a desk job makes sense for today.

For those of you who don’t know how the tune is supposed to go, by the way, CLICKY HERE.

The VEP Rides Again

ED + 4-Vep 3417 + ED

Train 895Y661 runs MO from 04/07/11 to 04/07/11 – Auto-Call
Train category EE Multiple-Unit 148 miles Applicable Timetable Service
Train service code 55460080 Catering N/A
Uid K43090 Sector 54 Sub-sector 02 Set up by TSDB on 01/07/11 Type STP

Location Booked C Pw Miles Tlod Ctg Pfm Eng Pth Consist
89366 TONB11&12 12:40 ORIGINATING PT
89363 TONBRIDGE 12:41 12:44 0 CALLING POINT
89351 SEVENOAKS PASS 12:53 2 8 PASSING POINT
88491 ORPINGTON 13:01 13:14 0 16 CALLING POINT
88490 PETTSWDJC PASS 13:17 2 PASSING POINT
88483 CHISLHRST PASS 13:18 2 19 PASSING POINT
88481 GROVEPARK PASS 13:21 2 21 PASSING POINT
88451 HITHERGRN 13:23 13:30 0 23 6 CALLING POINT
88447 PARKSBDGE PASS 13:38 2 PASSING POINT
88415 LEWISHAM PASS 13:40 2 24 6 PASSING POINT
88413 NUNHEAD PASS 13:51 2 26 4 PASSING POINT
87604 CROFTNRDJ PASS 13:57 2 PASSING POINT
87606 DENMARKHL PASS 13:58 2 27 PASSING POINT
87208 VOLTRRDJN PASS 14:01 2 30 PASSING POINT
87233 FACTORYJN PASS 14:02 2 PASSING POINT
87232 LONGHDGJN PASS 14:04 2 2 PASSING POINT
87219 CLAPHAMJN PASS 14:08 2 31 6H PASSING POINT
87149 BARNES PASS 14:19 2 35 PASSING POINT
87135 RICHMOND PASS 14:22 2 37 PASSING POINT
87131 TWICKNHAM PASS 14:24 2 39 2 PASSING POINT
87122 FELTHAMJN PASS 14:29 2 2 PASSING POINT
87121 FELTHAM PASS 14:32 2 42 3H PASSING POINT
87114 STAINES PASS 14:40 2 46 PASSING POINT
87106 VIRGINIAW PASS 14:48 2 51 PASSING POINT
86010 ADDLSTNJN PASS 14:55 2 PASSING POINT
86022 BYFLEETNH PASS 14:57 2 57 1 PASSING POINT
86031 WOKING PASS 15:03 2 60 PASSING POINT
86040 WOKING JN PASS 15:04 2 3 PASSING POINT
87043 PIRBGHTJN PASS 15:12 2 1H PASSING POINT
86042 FARNBORO PASS 15:17 2 69 5 PASSING POINT
86066 BASINSTOK PASS 15:35 2 84 2H PASSING POINT
86069 WORTINGJN PASS 15:40 2 2 PASSING POINT
86083 WINCHESTR PASS 15:56 2 103 PASSING POINT
86051 SHAWFORDJ PASS 15:58 2 PASSING POINT
86087 EASTLEIGH PASS 16:03 2 110 5H PASSING POINT
86499 ST DENYS PASS 16:11 2 113 PASSING POINT
86513 NORTHAMJN PASS 16:12 2 PASSING POINT
86520 STHAMPTON PASS 16:15 2 115 3H PASSING POINT
86703 REDBRIDGE PASS 16:21 2 118 2 PASSING POINT
86901 BROCKNHST PASS 16:33 2 129 12 PASSING POINT
86921 BOURNEMTH PASS 17:00 2 144 PASSING POINT
86927 BRANKSOME 17:04 17:07 0 147 CALLING POINT
86923 BMWT+RSMD 17:12 148 TERMINATING PT

Submitted with thanks to James Mayl for the timings, Chris Buckland, South West Trains & The Bluebell Railway for saving the Old Girl and of course Elmer Berstein for the music.

Insert Witty Title Here

First of all, I have just watched the opening 15 minutes of “Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince.” Hollywood, please try to avoid presenting me with “Scenes from Work” when I’m trying to relax can’t you? I was chilling out. Nicely relaxed, in fact. I was just at the point where I had moved beyond ‘train driving fat man coming off shift’-mode and then bingo! I’m seeing Arkwrights haring past the camera at 80mph and hearing English Electric 507 traction motors grumbling away from platforms. I was suddenly pointing at the television screen saying “I’ve had coffee in there. That’s Surbiton, that is. That’s Surbiton, I’m sure that’s Surbiton.” As it turns out, I was right – the station sign was a bit of a pointer. I felt temporarily clever, folks. I enjoyed a brief flash of that “I’ve been there” superiority that people get when they see a place they have visited on the telly. This didn’t last long, partly because the only boast one should have about Surbiton is knowing how to leave it quickly but mostly because of a reference to “that tosser Harry Potter.” I’m not averse to a knowing joke between characters in a fictitious story, but when they are making a reference that impacts on me personally whilst filming at one of the stations I drive through…? That’s not funny. I’m upset and I want compensation. I may attach this to my current ongoing legal action against J.K. Rowling for making her hero look like me and letting my workmates find out about it.

Since this is a somewhat disjointed post, I’ll be bouncing from topic to topic as I feel like it. Since you’re all bright and lovely people I’m going to assume that you can all keep up with me. As you might have noticed, I have a Twitter feed, which means that I can practice my skills in boring people senseless in only 140 characters. Lucky public eh? Apparently there are currently 341 people following me. Enjoyably this means that for the first time in my life I have stalkers, and digital ones at that. Hurrah for me! Finally, I have found people who think I’m interesting! I’m counting on you lot not to give me away. Anyone who mentions tuppawear, weak orange squash, fish paste sandwiches and note books full of train numbers will of course find a horse’s head in their bed tomorrow morning. And while you’re at it, try not to mention that I might indulge the odd cliché. Twitter has indeed been very useful just recently with all the trials and tribulations that SWT have suffered in the past few weeks. I have been passing on information on the various cock-ups and misadventures that have stopped us running trains, and the effort seems to have been appreciated. Why SWT themselves have yet to harness Twitter I don’t know – lets hope they change their minds soon, because it’s a valuable tool that can take the pressure away from the long-suffering staff on the ground when things go wrong. For those of you who use South West Trains and Twitter, may I suggest that you add @askSWT and @NRE_SWT to your feeds? You who have found yourself stuck might find them of use…

And add me while you’re at it: all stalkers welcome.

Oh dear. My muse has broken down. Bugger. Hmmmm. What to do? Ah… Tea is the thing that will allow me to catch up with myself. Back in a tick.

(15 minutes later)

Tea has been achieved and I’ve remembered what the next paragraph was going to be about: stations. At what point did the railway suddenly begin to think that passengers are happy sheltering from the elements beneath aluminium and plastic? I suspect it was a British Rail cost-cutting measure, but I found myself somewhat distressed to see the wooden shelters at Effingham Junction being replaced with structures more suited to a bus stop than a railway station. Alan Williams, of Modern Railways fame for those of you who don’t know, wouldn’t be pleased. Surely a successful industry can do better than this? Our passengers pay enough for their season tickets, to say nothing of the fact that they are also still forking out large amounts of tax cash to Network Rail: they deserve something better than bus shelters. While we are on the subject of Network Rail, I also gather they are proposing to replace the 3rd rail with 25kv overhead naughty knitting. Potter has thoughts about this:

1. 25kv is for heathen non-Southern railways, with the exception of high-speed services on the South Eastern to enable passengers to escape Ashford, Folkestone & Dover more quickly.
2. 3rd rail is famous for not sagging in hot weather.
3. 3rd rail makes prettier sparks – and yes, I was driving this one!
4. Potter will abduct and eat the pets of senior NR executives, without gravy or dumplings, unless this plan is abandoned forthwith.*

Abandon the 3rd rail, indeed. Boys, I’ll listen to your plans for replacing the 3rd rail when you can stop bridges falling down, running rails from buckling and scrotes from stopping the job with their wire-cutters.

*Pause for thought*

Nope. There was a thought that I was trying to have and it’s failed me. Most vexing. Still, it’s a nice day, and I shall be spending this afternoon taking my camera for a walk (it’s in the garage) before a spot of dinner.

*Further pause for thought*

Ah yes – a final thought. One of my Twitterati, @Al_S, tells me he is upset to my continual use of the word ‘plastic’ as a term of abuse. “This makes me sad, as I’m a composites chemist”, he tells me. That’s fair enough, and I am of course not qualified to argue with you.

But since the phrase “hateful over-weight soulless piffle that makes Pac Man noises when they pull away and when the brakes go on and I can’t access the TMS when the wheels are turning and the horn is too bloody loud and which idiot designed this cab layout and who thought that seats with no padding for your arse was a good idea and why to do the toilets stink no matter how recently they’ve been cleaned and why can’t I turn off that automated electronic whinging tart who insists on telling me the screamingly obvious every 30 seconds” doesn’t fit into 140 characters, ‘Plastic’ is going to have to do instead. Sorry.

As a peace offering, feel free to call me ‘Fat Weirdy-Beardy Driving Bloke’ to get your own back. That’s well under 140 characters, and better still it’s 100% accurate.

* – Potter has previously threatened to eat puppies belonging to First Great Western executives if they didn’t offer him a job interview. They offered him an interview, interviewed him and then told him to sod off. Clearly the threat of eating puppies without ketchup wasn’t enough… Hence the lack of dumplings.

Driver Potter Meets Some Railway Journalists

Today, Driver Potter is meeting some railway journalists. Driver Potter would like to be a journalist one day. He thinks he has the right skills like being able to read, write, drink lots of beer and believing his opinion on things actually matters. Potter thinks he is ideal journalistic material. Potter meets his friend Mr Bigland in a pub. “Hello Snapper”, says Potter. “Y’alright, our kid?”, says Mr Bigland. Mr Bigland is from Liverpool. (See the missing hubcaps). Mr Bigland takes pictures for a living: mostly of trains, although he can’t control himself when he sees stocking tops. Potter enjoys taking pictures, and listens as Mr Bigland explains all about F-Stops and exposures and focal lengths and how to use your camera to get free breakfasts. Do you know how to look politely bewildered? Potter does. Mr Bigland tells Potter that he has sometimes had two pages of pictures published at once. Potter is very impressed.

Potter decides that knowing all about pictures isn’t good enough to make him into a journalist, so Potter goes to see Mr Haigh. Mr Haigh writes for RAIL magazine. RAIL magazine is a magazine for railway anoraks that don’t know they are anoraks. Mr Haigh once described Potter’s writing style as “unusual”, which is a polite way of saying “have you stopped taking the pills yet?” Potter laughed at this, but only because Mr Haigh has access to high explosives. When Mr Haigh invites people to his house on Guy Fawkes Night, everyone arrives in body armour and carrying sandbags. Do you know what “mutually assured destruction” is? Mr Haigh does. Mr Haigh shows Potter how to use computers to make up articles and how to move all the pictures and text into the right places. See Potter working at the keyboard. “Your typing is quite good,” says Mr Haigh. “I can see you could assemble an article quite quickly. But your research is always very important – always make sure your facts are right.” Potter thanks Mr Haigh for his help, but Potter still doesn’t think he is ready to be a journalist. Potter needs to know how things work. Potter goes to see Captain Deltic.

Captain Deltic is another railway journalist. Captain Deltic writes for a magazine called Modern Railways. Some people maintain that he has an alter-ego called Roger Ford, but no one really believes it. Captain Deltic likes writing about how things work and how much they cost and how much he’d like to have most of the Department of Transport lined up infront of a firing squad. Potter likes reading about technical railway facts. See Captain Deltic talking to Potter about trains and politics and how the railway really works. Captain Deltic likes English Electric engines. See the pieces of engine and books about locomotives on the shelves! Captain Deltic shows Potter a piece of an engine he used to help maintain. “That was on my table at a dinner”, he says. See Potter looking at the piece of engine and picking it up. “It’s very heavy”, says Potter. Captain Deltic explains all about engines and why English Electric, 3,300 horsepower, 99 tons and 100mph is best for everythingeverywherefullstopnoargumentsothere. (See Potter edging nervously towards the door.) Potter thanks Captain Deltic for his help and says goodbye. See Potter hop and skip home.

When Potter gets home, he see’s that his landlady’s cleaner is in the house. Potter’s landlady’s cleaner is called Marion. Marion is a very nice lady. Marion is using the vacuum cleaner. “Hello Potter”, says Marion, “what have you been up to today?” “I’ve had a lovely day,” says Potter. “I’ve been learning how to be a railway journalist. I met my friend Snapper. He told me all about how to get the best effect from a long exposure. He said there’s nothing better than seeing a double-page spread with your shots all over it. Mr Haigh said my technique wasn’t too bad and I could probably bash one out at the keyboard in no time, but I had to make sure I had everything straight before I showed anyone. Captain Deltic talked to me about engines and showed me his enormous piston. He told me he had left it on a table at a dinner for everyone to see and a picture of it had ended up on the internet.” Do you know how to use a hoover crevice tool to change the way a man walks? Marion does.

Run, Potter. Run.

Edit: Thanks to the power of Twitter, Captain Deltic would like it made plain that he didn’t not say “how much he’d like to have most of the Department of Transport lined up infront of a firing squad” as quoted in my blog. To quote the Tweet in full:

“Did I say most? Check your notebook Potter, a-l-l t-h-e b-*-s-t-*-r-d-s is not how you spell most.”

However, Captain Deltic could only provide one Google reference to prove that Roger Ford exists. 2-1 to me, then.

Bollocks to Annual Leave: Lets Cure Ignorance

Arsebiscuits and f**k my luck.

I’ve got the lurgi. Again. Yes, dear reader, with cunning timing and a total lack of consideration my immune system has booked its annual leave at the same time that I booked mine. What this means in simple terms is that I start two weeks holiday and within 2 days I go down with gastric flu. Have you had gastric flu, dear reader? No? Think yourself lucky. I’ve missed out on beer with chums, a trip to the Swanage Railway and large amounts of Non-specific Japes. To say that I am unamused would be to waste a magnificent change to use the phrase “well and truly pissed off to the back teeth.” Fortunately I have DVDs, I have films, I have two new ‘Janet & John’ CDs as read by Terry Wogan and of course I have access to my lovely spangly blog site so that I can spread my annoyance and whinges with you, my fellow patients in the Great Secure Ward of Life. But enough complaining about my bloody ill health. Let us consider days of yesteryear…

Nostalgia is the railway’s blessing and curse. Nostalgia fills coaches as families trundle across the North Yorkshire moors or through the Purbeck Hills, allows the Bluebell Railway to run nothing but steam engines and gets 5 blokes sat in a pub to build ‘Tornado’ – the first mainline steam locomotive built in the UK since the 1960′s. It’s a fine thing and the heritage railway movement has prospered by exploiting it. The trouble with that is that the British have an odd relationship with their railways. On the one hand they love their rides through the countryside, parents have a soft spot for Thomas the Tank Engine stories and waving at children and Yummy Mummies (or Oggleable Au Pairs in SW London) is a daily occurrence on Planet Potter. The editorial in RAIL No. 668 (it’s on the shelves now – Mr Harris, I claim my free pint please) was a case in point. If you haven’t seen it yet, I urge you to make the effort and have a look: a better summation of the warmth that the public can show to the railway industry I’ve yet to read.

The railway industry, though, doesn’t always make the best use of that goodwill. No, I’m being too kind with that statement – they very rarely make best use of it. Now that’s not down to incompetence, because I am that most press offices are very good at their jobs. The problem then isn’t in the ability to convey a message, so perhaps it’s felt by the industry that the general public are indifferent to their railways? I very much doubt it: almost everyone holds an opinion on the railway. Lack of interest isn’t the issue: lack of knowledge is. The public don’t know how the railway works, so when things go wrong (and they do) they fall back on the reservoir of easy-to-remember and easy-to-regurgitate nuggets fed to them in times past by my chums in the tabloid press.  ‘Leaves on the Line’ isn’t the joke it used to be, and I hear a few voices in the wilderness reminding people that when it snows Britain’s railways don’t routinely run and hide. And for anyone who says “but what about South Eastern last year?” my reply consists of a heartfelt shout of “one company isn’t every company: sod you and the newspaper you rode in on.” If you accept my opinion on public interest vs. public ignorance, the question then becomes ‘how do you educate the public?’ Well here comes a little thought from Driver Potter. Since there are quite a few journalists and railway luminaries reading this rubbish, feel free to get out your pens, boys, because I reckon I’m onto something here.

The US Armed Forces are bloody expensive. All those bullets they shoot and all the bombs they drop (sometimes in the right places), to say nothing of all the shiny tanks and aeroplanes and boats cost lots of tax dollars every year. So how do the Army, Navy and Air Force keep Joe Public happy? Simple. They show them where their money goes. They takes groups of ordinary men, woman and children out on rides on their warships. They show groups around their docks and air bases. They show the people who pay their salaries exactly what their tax money is achieving. Why aren’t the our railway operators doing the same thing? Network Rail showing groups of commuters exactly what that weekend’s worth of engineering work is achieving. Virgin showing groups of business class passengers around their staff training centre. South West Trains showing commuters exactly what is required to get just one train ready for its daily run to and from the capital. Freightliner bringing their customers to the shop floor to demonstrate their service and capabilities first hand. Why keep the doors closed? Instead of allowing these people (who are our bread and butter, I remind you) to observe from a distance why not show them what is actually involved. The scale of the operation required to get a failed train back into service, to get the crew in the right place, to get every other train in the right place and keep them there so that the whole Railway Machine runs rather than stutters is immense. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that the public can deal with that information. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that since they pay for the railway, they should be shown how it works. The public aren’t idiots. They are, though, fed reprocessed drivel by a print and television media that finds it easier to pander to expectations and preconceptions rather than educate and illuminate. It is up to the railway industry to challenge those preconceptions, and to change them.

Opening the doors to the railway industry, an industry that the tax payers support to the tune of hundreds of billions of pounds each year, would enlighten them as to where their money goes. It would show them the activity that is required to enable their daily commute or the business trip to Scotland or move goods from Aberdeen to Penzance. It would put a human face on the railway.

And if it generates a few more smiles and waves in the process, then so much the better.

Thanks to James Dicken, an agreeable commuting chum, who helped me mull this idea over.

Driver Potter Goes Shunting

Today Driver Potter is doing some shunting. Potter used to be a depot driver, but after 5 years he decided that it was only fair to leave the rest of the depot drivers alone to recover. So he became a mainline driver. Do you know what a muggle is? The depot drivers do. Potter knows that he doesn’t couple and uncouple trains very often any more and practice makes perfect. Potter goes to the Driver Standards Manager office. “Can I have a day in the yard to refresh my skills please, Mr Manager?” said Potter. Mr Hannam is Potter’s Driver Standards Manager. (See the Asda suit with an M&S label sewn in.) Mr Hannam says that Potter can spend a day in the yard. See Potter skip down the corridor from the office to the drivers mess room. “I’m spending a day with the depot drivers!” says Potter. (Hear the depot drivers scrambling to get out of windows and doors.)

Potter is sitting with the depot drivers. (See the mugs of tea and free newspapers) The phone rings and Potter answers it. It’s Ginger Bradley in the Planning Office. “Hello Ginger”, says Potter. “Have they finally got sick of you frightening the public?” says Ginger. Ginger is a wag and a wit, or at least that’s what people tell him. People have to say that because when Ginger squares his shoulders, the sun goes in. “Harry, can you go out to 4 New Sidings with whoever is 1-8 and couple the Junipers up?” asks Ginger. 1-8 is the radio code for the Earlsfield Shunter. Today the Earlsfield Shunter is Potter’s chum Angus. Potter calls him Agnes. Potter thinks this is very funny. Do you know how to sigh and shake your head in despair? Angus does. Potter and Angus go out to the New Sidings. It is very sunny and hot. There are two trains there. They are called Junipers. Potter likes them very much, because they stop like they’ve run into a wall. The two trains have to be linked together to make 8 coaches. Angus and Potter check to make sure the trains are safe to move. Some cleaners are on-board, but say they will wait for the trains to be put together and then finish their cleaning.

See Potter ask permission from Angus to put the two trains together. He drive one slowly forwards and then “clank!” goes the Tightlock coupler. “Oh dear”, says Angus, “it hasn’t worked properly. Can you set back and try again?” Potter sets his train back, and then tries again. “Pull away test please, Harry” says Angus. Potter puts the train into reverse. The train doesn’t split, so Potter presses a button to link the two trains together. Now the computers know there are 8 carriages. Potter tells the cleaners that Angus will raise the corridor connections so that people can walk through. Angus has to put up the connections because Potter doesn’t know how. See Angus opening doors and moving clumsy bits of metal to raise the corridors. Do you know what “over-engineered badly thought-out French bollocks” is? Angus does. (See the skinned knuckles)

Potter spends the rest of the day with the depot drivers, shunting trains and preparing trains for service and drinking tea and enjoying the banter. Do you know what “just like old times” are? Potter does. (See the rose-tinted glasses) Soon it is time for Potter to go and meet his girlfriend from work. Potter’s girlfriend works in an office and is sensible enough not to want to appear by name in this blog. Do you know what smart thinking is? Potter’s girlfriend does. “Hello Potter”, says his girlfriend, “did you have a nice time at work?” (See the warning signs) “Yes”, says Potter. “Ginger told Angus and I to bang two together in front of the mainline where everyone could see. I tried to couple once but Angus said it hadn’t gone together properly and asked me to back up and try again. I gave it a bit more on the way in, jiggled it about and Angus said he could see the tell-tales had popped out. Some cleaners were watching and they said they hadn’t felt such a smooth coupling in ages.” Do you know how to feed someone into the office shredder by their tie? Potter’s girlfriend does.

Poor Potter.

Absolutely not a Janet & John Story…

Potter Goes to see his Chums in the Fleet Department

Today Driver Potter is a spare driver. That means no one has gone sick, no one is on annual leave and all the driving duties are covered. Potter is waiting for something to do. Potter goes to see the Operations Resource Manager. An Operations Resource Manager is someone who tells drivers what to do and when to do it. (See the grey hair and haggared expression). Today the ORM is Mr. Shafi. Mr Shafi comes from Birmingham.

“Hello, Mr Shafi” says Potter. “Hello, Little Round Anorak” says Mr Shafi. (Paint Potter’s face purple.) “Are there any trains to drive today? Or can I go over and see if Fleet have any unattended tea and biscuits that I can borrow?”, asks Potter. Mr Shafi says “Go and make a nuisance of yourself over there. I’ll call you on your mobile if anything needs to be done.” Watch Potter hop and skip across the yard. (See the fitters run and hide.)

Potter walks into the Fleet depot. Look at all the trains stopped for maintenance. Potter sees Buckie the Manager. “Hello Mr Buckie”, says Potter. “What do you want, short-arsed fat driving freak?”, says Buckie. Buckie and Potter are railwaymen and friends. (See the desperate attempts at machismo.) Buckie is holding a very large spanner. “I’m going to release the brakes on a 455 – it lost air last night and they won’t release. If you give me a hand then we can have a brew and a biscuit.” Potter and Buckie walk to the sidings and are soon working to fix the broken train’s brakes. Potter watches as Buckie moves valves and isolates equipment until the brakes release. Buckie picks up a long piece of wood and metal called a pinch bar. A pinch bar is used to move trains by hand. Buckie shows Potter the right way to place the pinch bar under the wheel. Potter pulls the bar and the train moves slowly backwards. Do you know what “bloody hard work” is? Potter does.

Kevin the Cleaning Chargehand walks over. “Hello, Potter”, says Kevin. Kevin is the man in charge of the people who clean all the trains that come to Wimbledon Park during the day. He makes sure they are clean inside and out, and that all the toilets are unblocked. Kevin and his team work very hard indeed. Do you know what a vital but unglamourous job is? Kevin and his crew do. Kevin wants to clean the broken train when Buckie gets it into the shed. “I’ve got a new polish to try on the floors. I do like to see our trains looking good for the public.” Potter’s mobile phone rings; “ting-a-ling” goes the ring tone. It’s Mr Shafi. “Potter, the management feel you’re making the place look untidy. And I’ve brought a big serving homemade curry in and I don’t want you trying to pinch any, so you can go home.” Potter likes Shafi’s homemade curry. (See the drool.)

When Potter gets home his landlady is in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher. “Hello Potter”, says Mrs Elliott. “You’re home early. Did you have a good day at work?” “Yes,” says Potter. “I was at a loose end, so I went to see Buckie. He has an enormous tool and said he had a hard on that needed attention and if I helped him he’d give me a biscuit. Then he let me move it by hand – he says that it’s not how long it is, but the angle you use it at. Kevin the Cleaner said that he wanted to get some polish on it, because he likes to make sure it’s shiny and bright when the public are riding on it. Mr Shafi said he’d brought in a big portion from home but he didn’t want to share it with me.” Can you hit a running target four times with consecutive dinner plates? Mrs Elliott can.

Poor Potter.